Introduction:

There are so many excellent websites, books, and blogs out here that I have wondered if I really have another rock to throw into the pond of Narcissism or Psychopathic abuse.  So, I must first acknowledge that I stand upon the shoulders of the many insightful and brave souls who went before me like Anna Valerious, Sister Renee Pittelli, Martha Stout, M. Scott Peck, Robert O'Hare, Peace, and the countless other wonderful healers who found a way to share their journey, their personal experiences, and their clinical, religious, and secular insights by writing a book, or blog, or launching a support group.  God Bless them all and thank you all for helping save my life and for pulling me up from my own personal abyss when I desperately needed a lamp to light my own way.

What has launched my own blogging on the subject of being raised by a psychopath/malignant narcissist was my decision to leave an online support group just today that I had been a part of for a long time.  I had been rather off line for the better part of four months working on a remodeling project and in truth I hadn't really paid any close attention to what was going on in the group for quite some time except to drop in once in a while when a thread caught my eye in my Facebook feed.  I may in fact have stepped away from this group as long as almost a year ago.  So, what used to be an every day drop in had become just sporadic visits at best.  So, today I was disappointed to discover that the leadership and the tenor of this particular group that I had been quite fond of had changed and that a person of my persuasion was no longer really welcome there.  My persuasion that was unwelcome was my Christian faith.

I had posted what I thought was a very helpful article and a link to the original article on the issue of unconditional forgiveness and analyzing the "Judge Not" verses from a Christian perspective and my post suddenly unleashed a series of attacks from self proclaimed atheists or non believers who wanted no part of any discussion on Narcissism to involve Christianity. Well this set me back quite a bit in my chair as it is pretty impossible to have any intelligent discussion on the nature of evil without some ability to discuss philosophy in general; and, while it is true that every culture and religion has a model or religious philosophy pertaining to good and evil, my particular philosophy is Christian and the U.S.A is still predominately a Christian nation, so most of us have some Christian perspective in regard to the issues of Narcissism/Psychopathy/Sociopathy.  That doesn't mean my research is theological, but I acknowledge that forgiveness has been a huge issue for me personally.  So, understanding how my Christian faith expects me to deal with my history of abuse and the utter betrayal I experienced at the whim of my own psychopathic parent has been very important to me because I have felt absolutely murderous hatred for my abuser and absolute rage regarding what she has done to my children as well as to myself and others.  Also, I know I am not the only one who has struggled with the issue of forgiveness because there are literally books written that address this very subject and forgiveness is addressed over and over again in various significant books on this subject.  So today, a woman, identifying herself as an administrator, deleted my post as this minority within the larger group found any expression pertaining to Christian faith "offensive."  She also allowed these same non-Christian people to mock my beliefs in the thread before deleting my information without any reprove to them and then called me a psychopath and evil when I protested how this was handled.  In short I received censure for defending myself and my right to state my beliefs.  Apparently the atheists can shut the Christian up, but the Christian is supposed to listen to them and apologize for infringing on their lack of belief in God.  Interesting and eyebrow raising behavior on the part of an administrator lashing out at me for defending my right to express my faith to say the least.  Well, needless to say this group was no longer for me.  It used to be a place of free flowing discussion, but it now it is a no Christian thought allowed group which is very limiting and very negative.   What I posted was an argument exposing the abuse of the "Judge Not" verses that are often misinterpreted and taken out of context implying victims must forgive their perpetrators which is simply not so, but more on that irony at another time.  I do wonder in passing though if this is the progression of so many of these groups that start out so good only to be gradually infiltrated with personality disorders or people with other issues who then take over the group systematically driving out any one they either don't agree with or who crosses them philosophically.  I suspect when there are no professionals monitoring and administering these groups circumstances like this are very likely to happen.  Last year I sadly observed the demise of another once good support group that obviously had been slowly populated by Borderline Personalities as opposed to Daughters of NPD mothers and I just quietly exited wearying of the self centered rants and demands for attention followed by online tantrums if they didn't get the attention they wanted.  Pondering yet another sad demise of what once had been a very helpful, loving group, I realized my personal journey has in fact moved on from really needing the groups in the first place.  I rarely picked up new information on the subject of Psychopathy in this group and maybe it was time to move into another phase in my own journey by either starting my own group or by just starting a blog to explore and share what I have learned in the last decade studying these people who lack empathy, who lack the ability to really love, and who lack a fully functioning conscience.

So, I am a Christian and if that offends some people, I am perplexed by that, but I have no intention of apologizing because I am one nor should I have to apologize or put up with mockery for professing to be one.  I have always been a Christian.  I realize that not all self professed Christians are good, but surely not all are bad.  Clearly, not all people are good, but not all are bad.  I do not claim I have achieved any particular perfection spiritually or special grace as an individual because I profess to be a Christian.  I do keep trying to be a better person though and that constant battle to be good and to do good is very linked to my spiritual beliefs and values.  So, I have a Christian perspective in my own journey, but I still read all things and ponder all things because I am seeking the truth of this particular human condition: Psychopathy/Narcissism/Sociopathy - all very black roses pointing to the same cluster of behaviors and conditions of character no matter which of the three words one may most closely align with in their own journey.  My ongoing research leads me to believe Psychopathy/Narcissism/Sociopathy are three names for the same terrible human condition, but more on that some other time as this is just an introduction.  I am not a theologian.  I am a seeker of the truth and this is my path and I have the right to follow it.  I believe these people we call psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists are people who are evil or people who have chosen to be evil and who in fact quite classically epitomize the absence of sacred virtues.  Among these virtues are faith, love, charity, compassion, justice, courage, appreciation of beauty, and truth.  But these and the other virtues are in fact universal and acknowledged and celebrated by all cultures when present and mourned when absent regardless of a particular religious belief.  So this is not just a Christian theological discussion.  What I intend to write about is my healing, my survival, my insights and my own personal journey as the daughter of psychopath and it is my fervent hope that by sharing my journey I may be helping others who are also seeking answers to unravel their own mysteries.  It is hard work healing from a psychopathic close encounter.  I think those of us who had the misfortune of being born to one of these people have lived a special kind of hell.  I know I have.  Over the years following my estrangement from my abuser, I have learned a great deal by reading a lot of books, blogs, and talking to a lot to victims of these evil people. On line I have been sharing stories, posing questions and engaged in insight discussions for literally years.  My own theories and insights are continually evolving as I obtain new information that fits my personal experience and as I assess the common threads connecting my circumstances to the very sad circumstances of so many others. The consistencies in experiences seem to be especially important to note.  I cannot express how important it was for me to learn that I was not alone in dealing with this family nightmare or how healing it was for me to be able to give this condition a name and to finally gain an understanding of some of the truths that went with these names.   It is absolutely empowering to make this terrible human condition predictable, more logical, and less of a mystery.  There is comfort to be found just in the luxury of having words and theory to explain the experience and to make sense of the craziness.  I know now there are so many people out there who have suffered as I have suffered and nothing makes me feel better than paying it forward by giving back what I have been given.  I hope I can help others and I am a decade into my own healing process at this point and I have a lot to say on the subject.

I am the daughter of a psychopathic mother.  Depending on what year the DSM categorized these people or who you are talking to about these people like my mother you could diagnose them as sociopaths or psychopaths or even personality disorders NOS if you really didn't want to be too risky in labeling them.  However, based on my own research and my experiences with my own mother, I am very comfortable with labeling her a psychopath.  I absolutely believe she is one.  I would swear it in court and back my assessment of her character with tons of research, my personal anecdotal evidence, and demand thorough evaluations of my own immediate family members to prove it if necessary.  My journey to this truth began in total darkness as it has for many victims and stumbling around in the dark in total ignorance is a horrible place to find yourself.   I had no idea that my mother was a psychopath, although I always knew something was wrong with her and I was quite certain for years that she was surely diagnosable.  No one who unleashed the furies she did, the abusive name calling, chronic lying, manipulations, and tantrums that she had my entire life could be "normal."  My mother was an opportunistic abuser who terrorized me as a child and yet at times she could seem so perfectly normal, even appearing kind, loving, and concerned about me.  These pendulum swing inconsistencies in her behavior made it almost impossible for me to get a handle on who and what she was for most of my life.  I really did believe she loved me in her own sick, twisted and completely inconsistent way until that belief was finally and absolutely swept away and she did the sweeping herself as part of a grand scheme she had orchestrated that was years in the making.  I'm sure in her own psychopathic mind, what she did to me was her master piece and she really enjoyed letting me know what she had done, and she clearly relished revealing to me the control she had obtained over my children.  Her grand masterpiece of manipulation and betrayal even extended to her purposely manipulating my image in the general public perception with as much social capital as she could muster and I had no real idea she was doing any of these things until she chose to launch her vendetta so to speak.  Perhaps I should have seen it all coming to this horrible reveal, but truly it was those periods of time when the chronic abuse was inexplicably absent that she best masked herself to me and for me she was shrouded in layers so confusing that I simultaneously loved, hated, and feared her as a child; and later as a therapist I pitied her and tried to find a diagnosis for her so that she could be treated and to find a way to help her heal; and for me as her adult daughter I also pitied her and felt faith based responsibility to forgive, care, and provide for her despite her continuing episodic abuses and degradations..  I can not say there were never any good times or good laughs between us.  I can't even say I didn't care about her and I admit I in fact I had loved her, but our relationship was never healthy and it was always on her terms.  Only when I discovered her true face, which was psychopathic, and I knew with certainty once and for all what she was did I come to terms with the reality she had never loved me.  She was not even capable of love.  Gradually I learned that because she was truly psychopathic, she didn't think like I did, she didn't reason like I did, and she did not value what I did.  She did not have the same emotions and feelings that I did.  I only thought or rationalized that she had normal feelings and emotions because she often mimicked normal feelings acting "as if" she had them.  She used her intellectual understanding of  emotions displaying them on cue, but I am convinced she really did not feel most emotions, displaying emotions on cue were only tools that she she could utilize to control, manipulate, confuse, and con people.  Mother and I were not alike at all on the inside under our skin in those sacred places where the soul, conscience, empathy, love and virtue resides.  What I saw of her, much like everyone else, was always an act or persona she deemed appropriate for the moment and nothing more.  If no one was around this act de-evolved into a controlling, selfish, intrusive, abusive, and degrading woman.  If there were witnesses to the act, the behavior varied depending upon how much she valued the person's opinion of her and what kind of an impression she wanted to make on a particular person.   So her act could also be ladylike, sweet, concerned, and the very appearance of self sacrificing virtuous love.  But the good was always just an appearance of grace and the truth was better served by observing her self serving rages, persistent self centeredness, selfishness, cruelties, lies, and on going enjoyment of petty degradations perpetrated upon others.  Everyone is a pawn in my mother's world and her psychopathic mind is always calculating the odds to turn people and assets to her best possible advantage no matter who or what she must destroy or exploit at any given time.  Sometimes she played ridiculous laughably absurd psychopathic games just for the pleasure of making something happen.  I am convinced at other times she manipulated people just because she was bored and she pleasured herself by inflicting psychological pain and suffering on my father and me in particular.   Sometimes she seemed to just need to exercise control over those around her to vent psychological steam and rage.  Obviously, I don't think like a psychopath so I can only discuss what I have observed and experienced and rely on what the literature has taught me to make sense of it all.  However, there were some psychopathic games my mother played, as I have come to think of her elaborate schemes, that were criminally insidious and which involved long-term, breathlessly cruel, and extremely patient execution.  These games in particular revealed what a keen intellect she actually possessed albeit cruel, calculating, and self-serving..   What I have definitely learned is that even those behaviors she exhibited that appeared to be crazy at the time, were not crazy at all once their purpose was revealed.

The truth of my mother's psychopathic nature was forced upon me after she scapegoated me and then estranged me from my own family around 10 years ago.  Had it not been for my estrangement, I might well have remained blind to her true nature and she may well have remained a total mystery to me forever.  I would have most likely lived my life just believing and accepting what I had always believed and accepted - that she was not right in some way, but what this way actually was no one really knew.  I had considered that it was possible she had had a history of severe childhood abuse and that she had blocked the memories of the abuse which could have explained the rages she frequently expressed.  But, her orchestration of my estrangement changed everything I had ever thought about her and eventually revealed her psychopathy to me.  Because I literally had no theory to explain what she had done to me or any context to understand why my children went along with her in doing what she wanted, I had to reassess everything and seek new sources of knowledge.  Because of my estrangement, I was relentless in the search for answers, because I had to know for my own sanity what had happened to my children.  I had no knowledge to help me make sense of my family's behaviors either as individuals or as a group operating in cult like solidarity.  Prior to my personal Armageddon, I had just accepted what I had known from birth as a kind of status quo dysfunction within the family.  So I had accepted and rationalized that my mother was sick with an illness or disorder that I could not name and I had learned to live with that and call it truth.  Based on that false understanding of the truth I therefore believed she deserved my compassion and my care as her illness or disorder was not her fault.  This false truth I had rationalized to explain her to myself in fact fit very neatly with the prevailing wisdom of my training as a therapist at that time.  But the reality was, that I was ignorant and blind to what I had been born into.  And, I had no idea because of my blindness that I had been systematically lied to, manipulated, used, gaslighted, and thoroughly fooled by her my entire life until she chose to show me herself that she was a psychopath.  My life as I understood it was in fact an ongoing illusion that had been created by my psychopathic mother since my birth and she herself had created a constant web of lies and misunderstandings around her and me to purposely keep me and those in her web of influence confused and blinded to her true nature.  So, despite the fact she had used me as a kicking bag when I was a child and constantly bombarded me with verbal abuse, I forgave her based on my theory of her defect or illness; and once I became an adult and the tantrums and the verbal abuse continued, I still forgave her based on the same beliefs.  Because I allowed myself to believe she was ill and not responsible, I could not grasp that she was quite consciously and purposefully exploiting me for money, talent, care, and security and doing so with absolutely no true regard for me or my well being.  In fact I found out in the years post my estrangement that she had been gas lighting me for years insinuating to anyone who would listen that I was a bad parent and that she had to care for the children, letting people think she was supporting me when I was supporting her, and even suggesting I was an alcoholic or an addict of some sort and that if the children did not have her they would be in danger so she had to put up with me for their sake.  The truth of our situation was far different from the smoke screen of lies she created at my expense to paint herself as a hero to others and my children.  The  reality was I hated living with her and I had only remained stuck in the situation because of promising my father on his death bed that I would take care of her and maintain the family home so my children would have a grand home to grow up in while I finished my education post my divorce and while I launched my own career.  My father knew that mother could neither care for nor support the family home post his death with her own meager resources and as I could not afford to buy a home at that point in my life, he convinced me to remain living in the home to combine resources with mother for the children's sake and for her sake.  So, I agreed to help support the family home until the children were grown for our mutual benefit and I did just that.  However, the real truth was that I had been over supporting the "family" home I did not own or have any clear title to for years post his death and I had been slowly sucked into paying for structural repairs, remodeling, upkeep, and other expenses and maintenance duties until most everything including mother's weekly paper and the light bulbs in the ceiling had become my financial responsibility.  My only final hold outs were the monthly heat budget, lights and land line phone.

Sometimes, I suspected my mother's true self serving nature and I wondered why people could think such absurd things about me such as I was taking advantage of her when she was taking advantage of me, but I only saw glimpses of the truth.  To my discredit, I did not comprehend these glimpses and I even dismissed actual moments of insight I had regarding my mother.  So I never really saw her with enough clarity to really discern her lack of conscience fully or to ever figure out the true damage she was doing to me and to my children until it was much to late to stop the processes she had launched.  So, the big revelation about her psychopathy only happened when my mother could no longer use me as she saw fit and as her final grand proof of her power and control over me and everything I valued. Her absolutely stunning lack of conscience, remorse, or guilt in regard to her utter betrayal of me, her only child, are now things I will never forget.   She showed me who she was only to punish me and to win as she defined winning; and, she only fully revealed herself when I remained firm on my intent to remove myself from the position of her full time live in care taker.  I wanted some life of my own and I was tired of the absolute misery of sharing a home with her.  As we battled over the division of our life together she alternately reasoned, negotiated, threatened, and faked medical crises.  Finally, she actually told me, if I really dared to leave her, I would lose all three of my children.   She warned me like a shot across the bow that she intended to destroy me and she would make sure I would lose everything I held dear if I dared disobey her and I actually laughed at the notion that such things were even possible and I chalked her vicious tirade up to just another one of those "crazy" episodes.  I was still totally unaware that she was actually evil.  I thought she was just having a hard time letting go of her home which she could not afford to support by herself on her social security benefits.  I thought she was afraid of change and I was really trying to be patient with her as I was used to her being "crazy" and abusive.

So when my adult children obeyed her and cast me out of their lives cutting off all communication with me, I not only had no idea this was even a possible outcome of separating from my mother, I also discovered that my mother had systematically exercised what social capital she had dripping years of poison here and there that something was wrong with me and she had had some success building a perception that I had been some kind of a mooch that had been only tolerated by her for the sake of the altruistic love she held for the grand children.  Of course I didn't know any of this and I only began to grasp the magnitude of her betrayals as the situation progressed.  Although  I had a very good paying job for years, I had literally no savings due to keeping up her home, paying her medicare deductibles, helping with her real estate taxes, and all of this in addition to taking care of my children's needs and my own needs and bills.  It hadn't even dawned on me that after years of living under her control, I now had almost zero social life because when I was not at work she kept me busy cleaning the house, running her errands, caring for the yard, and such.  So there I was with absolutely no theoretical understanding of how a family could just discard a member with no guilt, remorse, anxiety, or conscience as if that person no longer mattered and I simultaneously found myself with absolutely no support from the local community when she executed my estrangement.  The fact I had been systematically isolated by her and gaslighted by her was part of the overall big reveal of the truth of the trap I had been mired in for literally years.  My social isolation had grown so gradually and insidiously that I didn't even realize how cut off I had become.  My social life in fact had dwindled to nothing once I was done with graduate school despite friends ongoing attempts to stay connected because I was never allowed to go anywhere without this being a huge fight and I was so financially encumbered, I couldn't go out much anyway and still support everyone.   Yet, I actually believed I had a family who loved and cared about me very much as I loved and cared for them.  As my estrangement was launched and continued, my family was revealed to me to be functioning more like a cult group than as a free thinking set of individuals in a family.  Just like a cult, once I was estranged from the family group, I was out and I no longer seemed to exist to my children who acted as if they could remember no good thing about me.  At the time my estrangement unfolded, I felt like I had fallen through the rabbit hole so to speak and nothing I knew leading up to that moment had prepared me for what was happening.  No one's behavior made any sense to me including the hostility I felt from some community members.  I just didn't get what was going on around me at all.  In fact, as a mental health professional, I had never experienced or encountered a disposable family member in relatively sane families where the parent was a loving, hardworking, reasonably just person.  In the absence of my having an addiction, in the absence of my perpetrating any abuse, in the absence of my having engaged in financial irresponsibility, in the absence of my ever neglecting the basic needs of my family, this sudden estrangement made no sense to me at all.  And, worst of all, I loved them and I grieved for them to the point I could hardly function.  I felt totally in the dark and my world as I knew it felt like it just had crashed all around me like a house of cards.

I am a therapist by training by the way.  I have been licensed, I have run my own agency, and I graduated with highest honors and I still had no clue what had just happened in my own family.  However, what I did know with clear certainty even within the depths of my shock was that what appeared to me as a sudden Armageddon had to be anything but sudden.  It takes long term, systematic abuse to make children turn on a parent who genuinely loves them and my mother had very apparent control of all three of my children and they were obeying her absolutely.  In fact the three people I loved most had just cut me off at her bidding with no explanation, no negotiation, and no apparent regrets.  Following my going into emotional shock, I then became more depressed than I ever had been in my life.  I fell into an abyss emotionally that I pray to God I never ever experience again and I was literally fighting to remain alive for a number of years.  My first goal following my personal Armageddon was survival and I fought hard for that.  I surrounded myself with only my closest most trusted friends and I found the most competent therapist I could.  I hurt so badly I wished I was dead.  As I descended deep into the abyss of depression I left my field because I felt I had no validity to be in any form of human services practice.   I acknowledged I had been utterly blind to the abuse happening in my own home and to have something so cataclysmic happening right under my nose, to my own children was just shocking.  I had completely failed the very people I cared about the most.  So given these epiphanies, how could I trust myself going forward to be of service to anyone with any conviction.  My whole life's work and belief system felt invalidated.  I was effectively destroyed and I felt like an emptied hollowed out gourd.

So, this is where my journey to the truth began.  I was totally destroyed only to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.  Here's the kicker, my story is not that unusual.  There are a lot of children of narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths out there and many of them like me don't have a clue that their parent is a psychopath unless they are estranged, scapegoated, and/or their children are turned against them.  Nothing in fact about my story is that unique.  There are so many of us out there with similar stories that the true scope of this problem or human condition is simply staggering.  So to those who are looking for answers and who may stumble on this opening piece, know with certainty you are not alone.  Some Resources I recommend are as follows:  "The Sociopath Next Door," "Without a Conscience," "Narcissistic Predicaments," "Psychopath Free," and "People of the Lie."